It was my dayoff today. Usually I go out, hang out with my friends, drink and come home pretty late. My daysoff have been like that for a long time. I haven't really stayed home and ate meals with my family at all. I haven't cleaned my room for a longest time. I haven't really done what I used to do back in the day. I was believing going out and meeting friends are what I wanted to do, but I guess I was just trying to make myself feel like I'm a cool guy or something.
What I did today were, woke up around noon, ate lunch at home, cleaned my room, watch comedy DVDs, had some exercise, went out for a little shopping by bicycle, came home at about 6, ate dinner with my parents, saw "Spiderman 3" at the theater nearby. It was like the fist time in a few months since I didn't take train and get out of my hometown in a day. How does it feel? Feels like that brings me back to myself.
I think I'd been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by work. I was always trying to prepare for work. When I sleep, I calculate how many hours I can sleep, to figure out if it's enough sleep for me to work all day on the next day. I listen to music, very loud music, to make me feel like "I can do this!!" I try hard to take a seat on a train, to save my energy to work. When I come home, it's usually about 1-2 in the morning, I ain't supposed to eat anything, but I feel like I don't wanna feel any more stress. I just do whatever I feel like doing. Yeah, that's the main idea.
I just do whatever I feel like doing.
I don't feel like talking to my parents, 'cause I'm too tired.
I don't feel like cleaning my room, 'cause I'm too tired.
I don't feel like watching comedy DVD, 'cause I'm too tired.
Well, it's not just being overwhelmed by work. I was just making excuses. Excusing because I couldn't do them. I guess I wasn't sure they are what I wanna do. I wasn't sure if they are what I could deal with. But if I shift my eyes to them, that's absolutely what I liked. What I was dreaming of. What I was trying to do.
That is it. I was forgetting about this feeling for a long time. I don't care if you don't understand what I'm talking about, but I feel really good now.
Just, don't put excuses in front of you. That's easy, but if you keep doing it, it's gonna be your style. Do what you need to do, with thinking about what you want to do. Finish up what you need to do, then always do what you want to do. That is not what you feel like doing. That gotta be what you really want to do when you have enough space in your mind. Yes, that's your dream.